Super-size me!

Started going to the gym this week after months of puting this off. I've always been very self conscious about my body. Growing up, everyone, father and mother included made fun of the fact that I was skinny. I mean I tried, I just couldn't be morphed into the gluttunous rounded jello-filled mess they wanted me to become. I ate what was provided and ok maybe sometimes I had to be threatened with life behind the dinner table in order for me to lick my plate clean but I don't think that's abnormal for a 6 year old kid. Kids that age don't eat much ... right? They called me BOB short for "bag of bones" and while I'm sure they didn't mean any harm, things like that linger and brood in a kids mind. I havn't stopped thinking of myself as skinny and to be honest, I can't say that I'm not. I still find it extremely hard to put on weight. Right now I'm 5'9 170lbs, probably a healthy weight but I want BIGGER!!

I walked past the gym entrance, took a peek in and kept on walking. WHAT THE HELL!! There were machines and cables and thingys that made people on them move funny. I thought, there's no way i'm going in there, I mean I've been in my fair share of dumb situations but those situations happened randomly without my foresight. I could absolutely see potential for a bonefide donkey moment where I start using a machine to work on my legs and someone taps me over the shoulder to tell me it's not for my bloody legs, its for the upper frigging pecs!

I came up with a plan wouldn't you know it! Turned right around, stuck my chest out, head held high and walked in that gym like I owned the place, went straight to a bench that stuck out of some wierd contraption, pulled out my cellphone to "check my text messages" while I surveyed the place. Dumbbells over to the left, check! barbells front and center, check! damn that machine really isolates his ass, check! check! check! Anyways, I figured how to use most of the machines by watching others use them and I have to tell you, it was not only physically stimulating, it was a visual delight. Some of the male specimens on display looked like angels in a dirty sinners paradise.

3 days a week until it bores me. Hopefull that'll be after I gain 10lbs.

My thoughts, right now!
sometimes i feel my mind is far older than my body. i've been on emotional roller coasters with dips so low it made my inside feel they'd come out of my nether end. heaven must be real, if the universe balances it's scales, positive has negative, up has down, cold..hot, my hellish life must mean there is a heavenly after life.

AWAKEN!

I wrote this years ago and thought I'd throw it into the blog, my attempt at being my own personal activist

For all my friends out there trying to fight the odds
For all the young out there saying NO to the urge to rob
To get richer by taking detours through life
But instead chose to strive
Through tight situations however rife
I say keep keeping on
One day you'll get yours just be patient
These words of wisdom I speak are ancient
Like the pyramids that stand today in Egypt
You'll rise tall and smile because you know you're legit
And stand proud like every sire
While the crowds lift you higher
Singing your glory,
They'll tell your story
To generations yet unborn
But!
Watch out! The evil ones are all around you
They call themselves your friends
But turn your back and they deny you
Watch out! Coz now I see them their eyes are red
Watch out! Coz they will shoot you and won't stop til you're dead
Today they venerate
Tomorrow they'll denigrate
And if you cry for help they'll integrate
Your secret fears
To penetrate your defenses
And hope to God that you will lose your senses.
I say absolve yourself!
You've paid your dues. Now friend remove yourself
Live life, climb to the top and be your own man
This day was your end since your story began
You rose above the cycle of living in futility
What they called pride you called mental agility
Puerilities that all they know so how can
They congregate in your vicinity?
I think not. You go get yours my friend
God bless you.

To go or not to go?

So I'm thinking of entering this college gay society of sorts. there's a club in my school...I'll have to avoid using its name but it's run by students for students who are leading "alernative lifestyles" (alternative? I was never presented with a choice or an "alternative"....whatever!). I'm torn and it's not simply because I haven't come out yet, I have so few friends it hardly matters, the real problem is I feel i know what to expect and I'm afraid I won't like it.

I'm probably not obviously gay in the way homosexuals have been stereotyped to be. I don't walk with a limp wrist, don't sashay or talk with a lisp. I'm not naieve and I know that there are gay people who have some of these stereotypical behavior, which is why I feel bad about having a certain discomfort around people who take on "counter-intuitive" gender roles.

I know I probably sound very hypocritical. I want to be accepted by soceity but can't get over my differences with ways people chose to express themselves, well I'm not perfect and it'll take a while to get over my uneasiness. Maybe going to this meeting - and I suppose that would officially include me into said "alternative-lifestyle" society, will help me embrace this dimension of the gay spectrum. One of these days, I'm going to throw caution to the wind and crash that queer joint, after all as my friend Black Girl in Prague said, if for nothing else I'll be doing it for the sake of "adventure".

Some "old" friends

another week, another post and i'm dragging my feet still but things will pick up i promise. i simply have to study for five classes replete with papers to write, bloody unannounced quizzes and brain-numbing exams, work for practically pennies a day, buy a computer- a used one of course because i sure as heck can't afford any thing fancy- and by fancy i mean new, and rework my schedule so i can have some quiet time to pause and think and write about how hellish things have been. oh yes things will pick up soon.

OK i'm sorry, i needed to vent, lets proceed...

I've been curious these past feew weeks about popular gay African Americans. i don't know why...maybe its because i have no one to identify with, no one in any real sense to call a brother or friend. then again, i can't say i've tried to find friends. this life of mine is a crazy way to live. i choose to have few people around me because i know that i can't be honest about who i am, i mean who i truly am. that way, when i'm ready to hoist that rainbow flag and declare my coming out there'll be few to disappoint and hopefully fewer still to lose. but like anyone, somedays you wish you had someone to be completely "naked" to, you know share everything about you, someone who falls in love with those very things that make you alien to the world.

Langston Hughes, Bruce Nugent, James Baldwin, Wallace Thurmond, Countee Cullen ... the list really does go on, all African American, all gay living and flaming in the early 20th century. Being Gay today is daunting, being gay and black...well...you've hit the jackpot! but imagine how it must have been back in the day when churches ruled the black community, it was darn near illegal to be black in america let alone a "homosexual" and yet Baldwin made no secret of his love for men but even more remarkable is the calm candour with which he confronted ... no, make that OWNED his sexuality. it was not his defining image by any means, far from it actually but he didn't apologize for it and he didn't hide it all. if you haven't read any of his books, let me recommend "Giovanni's Room" and you'll understand his brilliance. Nugent was a another character, his poetry is beautiful but check out his art... OK i take that back, don't check out his art just take my word for it, its tripple X rated gay stuff but my God this guy must have had balls to be drawing stuff like that back in the 20's and 30's. Langston's sexual prefence is legendary and oh what a poet he was.

yes i know i've probably painted a pretty and romantic and somewhat fairytail-ish story about these guys, i'm sure they met with a lot of rejection from...well just about everyone, white, black, men, women but thats expected, my joy is that they were there, they existed. my fascination is that they were black and unpopular but unapologetically true to who they were.

All hero's of mine every one of them. brilliant and bold and gay. I'm still learning about them but from what i've gathered already, they're a huge source of inspiration. I imagine them my friends, teaching me through their works and biographies how fearless i could become. they are true friends you see because i have no secrets with them and damn it. they don't gossip!

I watched a movie that used some of Nugents work, i thought this line particulary exemplary of his honey coated silky smooth words i'm paraphrasing but hopefully you'll fall in love with it's dreamy-ness just like i did.

"it was almost as though it had journeyed to meet him . . . the night was so blue . . . how does blue feel . . . or red or gold or any other color ... if colors could be heard he could paint most wondrous tunes . . . symphonious . . . think ... the dulcet clear tone of a blue like night ...he blew a cloud of smoke ...but soon the moon would rise and then he would clothe the silver moon in blue smoke garments ...truly smoke was like imagination"

g'nite zzzzzzzzzzzz