Saturday, June 30, 2007

You don't know what you got til...it opens it's mouth!

Have you ever bumped into someone so fine, so alluring, so utterly do-able that they had the power to throw off your breathing?

I have!

Every Monday, Wenesday and Friday between 11:15am and 1:30pm at the gym.
I don't actually get to "bump" into him
I'd have to be real close to do that
Real, REAL close to bump INTO him
Get it?
BUMP...INTO...HIM??
oh lord, I crack me up :)
Well I'll probably never be that close
So instead I observe him, out of the corner of my eye
between reps because afterall, that's why I'm at the gym
for my reps...not his pecs.

My favorite exercise??
SQUATS.

He squats, I watch and we both enjoy...I think.
Squats are supposed to isolate the glutes and pump them plump
It works, trust me!
I don't squat. I tried it once, it left my ass sizzling for 3 days...
painful enough for me to contemplate doing #2 on my feet. YEESH!!

On friday, I was on the leg extension machine when hubba hubba hubba *drool* walks in.

I'm not sure he's down with the dudes in quite the same way I am.
If he isn't, I'm pretty sure he could take me, in 2 seconds flat!
So I try not to notice him.
So I fail at trying not to notice him.

After he's done with his pre workout stretching on the mat (and being my regular horny self, I walked up to that mat and stretched him reeeeal good ... in my head of course! )
He begins walking in my direction and I could sense it
I fail in the middle of my rep because i'm suddenly out of breath
I look, subtly, a little away from him just to know if he's branched off elsewhere
He's still walking towards me and this time I'm certain he's coming for me
I try to find something to do...
crank out another another 10 reps, DUH!!
I manage 2 and fail again, out of breath.
He stops right infront of me and I'm still fighting everything in me not to notice this.

He says..
"Hi, Can I work in with you?"
...in the most quiet, most sissified tone I've ever heard from a post-pubescent human being.

I let him use it.
and I unabashedly watch him
and my breathing stabilizes.
He lost me at "Hi" :_(

Now don't get me wrong, he still has me raising lumber in my pants
and I'd take him in a second,
but I'd have to gag him first...
thats not so bad is it?
Actually, that could be the start of a whole new fantasy.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Fill-ant

I've been tagged.
To Greg, I'm honored!
Now it took me longer than I thought to list 8 random things about myself. I've been around for 22 years. My history and idiosyncrasies bore even me...but if you're asking Greg, you shall receive because you're cool like that.

1. I'm a tennis fanatic. I play and I watch...(definetely watch better than I play). I get a kick out of telling people that I'm really into Golf. Truth is I am only interested when Tiger Woods is playing.

2. I'm pretty bad at returning phone calls. My sister called me over a week ago and I still haven't returned her call.

3. I don't dream...not even wet dreams.

4. I don't want to believe in God, but I can't help myself.

5. Since my mother died, I've been strangely susceptible to emotional breakdowns at funerals thus, I try to avoid them altogether.

6. I find 90% of the people I see everyday as totally do-able! I'm that damn horny!

7. When I was about 12, my parents came across a box of new underwear under my pillow while I was away at school. I'd been masturbating to the scantily clad male model on the front cover the night before. They told me they found it in a very wierd, very unassuming way, like they were talking about the weather or an old friend. Someone once said "never underestimate the power of denial". That statement has become evidently true since my parents never mentioned or implied anything from it to this day.

8. I found out a couple of months ago that my sister, who I'd assumed was my blood sister for nearly 22 years was infact my step sister and I found out completely by accident. Everyone in my family knew except me and they still don't know that I am now aware of this. Me and dear old dad will be have a long talk very soon.

LATE ADDITION: I ABSOLUTELY LOVE SADE! If I ever have children (and thats a big 'IF'), may they be conceived to "Smooth Operator". Amen!

I believe I now have to tag other so..with sadistic pleasure, I hereby declare the following bloggers, TAGGED!

Black girl in prague
Mr. Jaja
NaijaDude
Mamarita

The Rules:
List 8 things about yourself. At the end of the post, tag and link to 8 other people. Leave a comment at those sites, letting them know they’ve been tagged, and asking them to come read the post so they know what to do

Monday, June 18, 2007

:.-)

I'm having a bad day..

I have a zit the size of kilimanjaro on my left cheek.

No not that cheek you perv, the one on my face!

I can see it when I look down...

oh blasted pimple, why doth thou torment me so!

I skip washing my face for one blasted day and pay the ultimate price.

And worst of it all, I recall the exact moment when I chose sleep over a neutrogena face scrubbing.

Never again!

love,

Me and Zitty

Saturday, June 16, 2007

A little "sexy" please?

Since I'm still in a horny mood, forgive me if this post lacks any kind of PROFUNDITY:)
........
Ok, that line was uncessary because...well...I have little in the way if profound thoughts on this blog.

I was holding a conversation with someone about something...I can't quite remember what and I'll tell you why. At some point in our little chat, he threw in the word "profundity"... I spent the rest of the time in some kind of semantic mind daze. Seriously, isn't that a smart sounding word? Here's another "betcha didn't know..." about me [how would you anyway :)] Anytime someone uses a..."smart" word like "Svengali" or "dilletante" or fucking "profundity" I get so fixated on that word that I may not follow the rest of whatever blah you're going on about...and I might even think you're a genius afterwards... and on a good day, I'll worship you. Such is the magnitude of my inferiority complex. Tis sad I know.

Thats by the way...

I've been going to the gym everyday for the last 21/2 weeks and while I've noticed a little 3 pack...might be 4, wait.... it's definitely 3, that little bump doesn't count...I'm getting impatient and honestly, pumping iron is as boring as it sounds. It's nothing like those tv commercials where a fat lady is rolling around on the floor on her back like a friggin beetle, attempting what might be assumed to be crunches and then cut to 2 weeks later, she's lost the equivalent of a full grown Somalian man. I though since I was already skinny to begin with, I'd have a head start and the sexy would be all over me by now. NOT SO! Well so what if my reps go a little like 1,2,3,6,7,10,done. It's been 2 weeks! Don't I get brownie points for perseverance? And by brownie points I mean bulging biceps and defined pecs?...and a little junk back there won't hurt either!

Well I will not be deterred. If Justin Timberlake can carve out abs on that pseudo-manly body of his and have the audacity to herald his coming with the phrase "bringing sexy back"...by God I'll get whats coming to me - ass, abs, pecs, arms and all!!!

BTW If you think I sound vain, I completely agree with you.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Random Queer bit 1

I once bought my little cousin the Sound of Music DVD for Christmas.
I knew she hated musicals but I explained this one was a classic.
She still hated it!
I snuck it out of her room a couple of times
and watched it late at night
and lip synced to every song
and even shed a few tears at the end.
BTW Mr. Von Trapp ...friggin HOT!
I used to pitch major tent when he was all strict with the children.
I'm sure I'd have no trouble standing erect at the sound of his whistle :)
I love men in uniforms...especially tight military uniforms
Oh lordy..

..so what was this post about again???

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Random "drive" down memory lane

I flunked my driving test twice before getting my license.

How I flunked the first one?

Got in the car with the instructor.
She said start your engine, I did.
She said drive to the exit, I did.
She said make a right, I turned left.
She promptly began writing.
I apologised profusely. She just nodded and kept on writing.
Mid way through the course, she was still writing.
I asked if I was failing just to get some encouragement.
She said no...
I had already failed.
B!TCH!

How I flunked the second one?

I put on my seatbelt
Adjusted my mirrors
Looked both ways
Put my signals on
Merged seemlessly into traffic
Smiled at instructor, He didn't smile back. But heck, he wasn't writing. That was good..
drove half a mile
parallel parked successfully on my first try, BOOYAKA!
Smiled at the instructor, He didn't smile back. Still wasn't writing. That was good..
Staring down at the home stretch, I could see the finish line.
One more turn to make.
The turn gets closer....and closer...and closer and finaly, I turn........no signal. I say a little prayer
Hope he doesn't notice, besides the test was almost over anyway.
We get to the end. I turn to him, smile and the son of a gun starts writing, and he writes and writes and writes and what was he writing you ask?

well quite a bit actually,
parallel parked past the curb, into the grass...accelerates during turns... doesn't ease into a stop...etc

and oh yea, TURNS WITHOUT SIGNALS!

My Cousins advice..."Why don't you just pass the damn test!"

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Me + My Hand!

I've been so horny lately, last night I dreamt of being a porn star, complete with enormous..umm, talent? not to say I'm carrying around a third pinkie in real life, just that in my dream it was truly larger than life.

I need to get laid...with someone else. I'm tired of this masturbation crap!


but you know I'm not going stop...right?

RIGHT!

Monday, June 11, 2007

Cop this, Cop that.. and still empty!

Got caught twice in my car by cops...
Twice in one week.

No I wasn't smoking pot
No was I getting head

Just sitting there both times...alone...minding my buisness.
Coincidence? of course!
Still made me go hmmm..

First time was on Tuesday.
Arrived home.
Was a little dark but... only 9:30pm...too early for spooks, too late for angels.
sat in my car getting my stuff together
saw headlights coming my way, police cruiser...
F!ck!
Tried to act normal.
Funny, I wasn't doing anything abnormal.

cruiser drove past me...PHEW!!

Then he stopped

Now wait a dog gone sec...

pulls up in reverse to a stop opposite my car
on the other side of the street.
SH!T, DaMn, FVCk, etcetera, etcetera.

HE walked up next to my car
Stunned my eyes with with his torch light

Guilty of what?
sitting in my car???
sitting in my car in the dark???
sitting in my car in the dark in a good neighborhood???

I couldn't figure it out

NOTE: Left out the more obvious "sitting in my car in the dark in a good neighborhood while being black"...I don't rush to such conclusions...but it sure did cross my mind later on!

Officer: Hello
Me: Hi
Officer: What are you doing?
Me: Getting out of my car
Officer: You live here?
Me: Yes, you?
Officer: Where's your house?
Me: Back there *pointing in the general direction*
Officer: Yes but whats your address
Me: *I give it to him and wonder afterwards if this was smart but did I really have options?*
Officer: Well ok, I was just checking to see if umm everything was fine *breaks out a smile*
Me: Thank you *break out my "sonofabitch" scowl*

Gets back into his car and slowly drives off
I mean real slow, like I could go for a walk with his car at that speed.
I get out of my car and walk to my door
I can still see him
He can definitely still see me

WTF was that about?
.............................................
Second time, Friday.
On my way from work
beautiful day outside!
Got me some fast food
Stopped at the mall but stayed in my car
in the parking lot...with other vehicles

Been engrossed with Dostoyevsky all day
had to finish a thrilling chapter...and eat lunch

30mins into the read
cruiser pulls in the lot next to me
"are you F!king kidding me??"

2 officers step out

Guilty of what this time?
Reading and eating lunch while attempting to steal a vehicle?
Absurd?
Thats all I could come up with!

Officer 1: Hey bro, what you doing here?
Me: umm..
Officer 2: Just stopped by to eat?
Me: Yeah
Officer 2: *breaks out in a laught that had a tinge of mockery to it*
Officer 1: What you got there...you reading my man?
Officer 2: *laugh is definitely insulting now*
Officer 1: Let me see what you got there my man
Me: *Turn the book over to reveal the title*
Officer 1: Crime and Punishment

*They both break out laughing, the irony eludes me for a little while and then I crack a smile*

Officer 1: Ok man, just be careful...don't leave any electronics or nothin in your car alright?
Me: Sure.

I put my food and book away and drive off
But only after I make sure they are gone.

So what lesson is to be learned...?
Still thinking, help me out!

Saturday, June 2, 2007

New York! New York! What a wonderful town

Woke up this morning feeling super excited about my trip to NY. I don't know why but everytime I get to go there, the butterflies in my stomach sh!t their pants...I love it! I also decided to buy me some new polo shirts. I did my math and decided that I could probably afford 1 shirt comfortably without resorting to living on chicken pot pies and tap water until pay day. I refuse to use credit cards, they are evil!

Stopped by JC Penny, huge department store or is it a clothing store? I've never really bothered to look around. Tried a couple of shirts...I hate spending money on clothes ugh! I would've probably walked out with nothing *too many damn options, its overwhelming*...thankfully I zeroed in on a 2-for-1 sale. For the price of a polo shirt, you get a free T-shirt..brilliant!!! And get this, they had them matched up for you, they had the right colored T-shirt already inside the Polo so you didn't have to play stylist for an extra 30 mins...that sealed the deal right there. It was obvious, this sale was speaking to me in my language. Picked up a cool polo, white with horizontal blue and green stripes *I can wear horizontal coz i'm slim hehehehe* and it came with a tan T-shirt. Was it a good look? Who the F cares, I'm not one to pass up a good deal to make a fashion statement. Got in my car and immediately changed into the shirt and polo...I love the smell of new clothes and I thought they not only smelled nice, they fit right too :)

I met up with Mike, Kathy and .... can't remember her name...hmm.... lets just call her Ms. B - *B for boringain'tgotnothingonme*. We all got in Kathy's car and drove off. She was undecided about driving back to New Jersey because her parents lived in NY and she hadn't seen them since school closed. Mike like the loving wanna-be boyfriend told her to "stay with her mother" because "I'm sure she misses you so much" *oh brother gimme a bloody break, they speak on the phone every freaking day and NY is only an hour away*...I was thinking how my ass was going to get back home if she decided to stay...by train no doubt but considering all the cash I knew I'd be spending in NY, I was going to make Mike pay for the train ride back *spending money in NY is the easiest thing to do, you only have to blink and you'd swear the money spends itself* ...I can be unreasonably cheap and cruel I guess.

Kathy drove us to her parents place all the way in Queens but didn't park in front of it, in fact I still don't know where she lives because she didn't go in to see her folks or point the place out to us. I suppose she didn't want her parents meeting us for whatever reason ... and certainly not with a black boy *I'm sorry but i couldn't help thinking this was part of it although it probably wasn't*. Mike made a little fuss over this...I didn't care, just wanted to go to Manhattan...Ms. B was still with us *I may never mention her again because she was always an after thought through out the trip*.

Still standing close to her house, Kathy declares that she's hungry *girl we're standing right next to your place i thought, go in and feed! I didn't say this but I came close*... she suggested we catch a train .... was it uptown or downtown... I can't remember, anyway it landed us smack in Chinatown. It seemed like I just walked into a third world market place, it had all the familiar symptoms...open shops selling cheap goods...people milling about through narrow over-crowded roads...the over bearing smell of food in the air...WTF was I doing here, I didn't come to America go see this mess...this was what I was running from ugh! I asked Mike if this place in any way resembled China and he said yes *note to self, take China off your list of places of interest*. After practically chasing Kathy through the streets occasionally bumping into random people, she led us into a little cafe. It was small, cute...and crowded! The doors to the place were left open so you could observe everything going on outside weather you wanted to or not...this also meant there were no air conditions...i can't imagine they needed ovens to cook, the food probably cooked itself on its way from Kitchen to customer, it was that damn hot!

We also decided to take pictures here...we took a bunch...in nearly half of them, I was a black splotch in a white shirt and jeans. They didn't say anything when they saw these pictures even though i swear the most visually gifted person could hardly tell where my hair ended and my face began. They of course glowed like angels in everyone of the shots...curse of the African!

After Kathy had her fill, we took another train out to Times Square...actually, i believe we stopped at 42nd street and walked towards Times Square...I'm not so sure anymore, these streets confuse the heck out of me. On our way we decide to rest a little at Bryant park. I've never been in there before...as I walked in, I thought it look like a huge painting albeit in 3D. just imagine the hustle and bustle of crazy Manhattan and then picture right smack in the middle, a pristine litte lawn with people sitting around in little groups on restaurant type chairs some laying down on the grass looking into the sky, very quiet, very peaceful. I had to smile a bit at the odd-ness of this place...and then very quickly I thought to myself...these people are so F!ING lazy...it just felt like there was so much out there going on and here were these bunch of "losers" laying around doing nothing! It pissed me off for a second...or I think until I got me a chair and became one of them.

We took some more pictures, I was still a black splotch in most...

After Idling away about a half hour we continue our trek towards times square, taking pictures along the way of street performers...the things these break dancers can do while balanced on their heads are nothing short of incredible. We got to the heart of NYC...the lights were on and it looked spectacular....I felt like screaming...something very exciting about this place and I think beyond the razzle dazzle of the neon lights , its the people there who are equally marveled by it all, that elevate the experience. I came to spend a day in NY with nothing really planned out but at that moment I felt like Time Square was the reason I came.

After I snapped out of my hypnotic gaze and wiped the drool off my mouth, we proceeded to have a drink at a small cafe nearby...Mike bought a six-pack and we played a very corny game of "dare"...I'd explain it but it's not necessary, it was very corny.

here's a quirky "betcha didn't know..." about me...

I don't know why but I can't get by any reflective surface without checking out my ass...I just have to look at it, maybe to make sure its still there or hasn't flattened out lol. So while we were playing this inane game, i decided to use the toilet. got there and there was this huge mirror off on one wall...well I ended up just checking out my ass in the mirror *no i didn't take my pants off*...it looked good, i was satisfied with it :)

I have to end this entry...Kathy ended up driving us all back thank heavens and I'm home about to curl up in bed and doze off...I love NY, I'm going to live there someday....something about it excites me like New Jersey never has.

Friday, June 1, 2007

Yesterday's Dance Madness

Boring day thus far...I'm at work. Tyrone my handsome Jamaican co-worker just left for the day, he offered to buy me lunch, how sweet. I declined. He's always complaining to me about money...he says he never has enough with all the bills he has to pay *2 to be exact*. I let him bounce his sorry tales of dearth and dissatisfaction off my ear drums. I've never worked up enough nerve to tell him how uninterested I am about his financial affairs...I guess I feel its rude to do that.

Yesterday I spent the evening with Mike and Kathy. Mike is my friend from my sophomore year. He's Chinese-american and as close to a best friend I've had since I came to this country. Kathy I met through Mike...she's also Chinese and a student and has a boyfriend in Atlanta. The way these two have been hanging out, all inseperable-like, I'm beginning to wonder if there is a budding romance...btw Mike knows all about her boyfriend. I want to tell Mike that as soon as she graduates she'll dump his ass for her real boyfriend *race has something to do with my gut feeling, boyfriend is white.* Thats just speculation on my part though, I could be very wrong so I'm not going to say nada! If I'm right and his heart gets broken, it'll heal and he'll be the wiser, if i'm wrong...i'm wrong, and they both live happily ever after.

So we were hanging out, all three of us, listening to music from youtube when Kathy caught the dancing bug and started to "dip it low" and shimmy up slow in the middle of the room...I told her she danced well...actually I only said this because Mike said so first and i felt their eyes nagging me for acknowledgment... fishing for compliments? ... whatever! I took the bait and she proceeded to convulse...err... I mean dance more feverishly than ever. She loved the attention...I thought to myself, if she ever needed extra cash, she could dance for the frat boys on college ave...with the breasts jiggling and the ass gyrating and the hands gropping both, she'll be a frat superstar.

I thought I'd only have to suffer through this girl's "dance" by watching it. HA! Mike got up right next to her and began this slow sway with his hips that...i suppose was...dancing? .... could it be? He had his hands in the air switching from "pushing the ceiling" to that up and down hand wave you see at hip hop concerts all the while lip synching to eminems "lose yourself". I should add here that the music had switched from wamdue project's "king of my castle", dance music through and through, to eminem's rap but my girl Kathy either didn't notice or didn't care, her dancing had not changed at all. I panicked. I knew it was a matter of time before I'd be obligated to join the impromptu burst of merriment and I couldn't remember the last time my body had moved in rhythm to music. Damn you Mike, betrayer par excellence!

Sure enough Mike asked...make that TOLD me to get up on the dance floor...trying not to look the fool *go figure* I walk over to them and it really hits me that I can't dance to crazy, fast, "I'm a rhythm on acid" type of music, case in point, madonna's "ray of light" which Kathy had switch to but, still doing the same dance as before...I mean put me in a sexy situation... lights dim, bodies swaying to the rhythm of a soft R&B beat...montel jordan... "get it on tonite" oohh yea, you've got me in my element...but this, this was madness , the kind best left to the pro's. They wouldn't let me change the music. They heard a note of Mary J's "Family Affair" and concluded it was waaaay to slow.

So I just stood there, periodically moving an arm, shaking a leg literally and snapping my neck when I deemed that appropriate. Thankfully they wore themselves out and I decided to leave before they thought to include me in an encore.

Got home to peace and quiet...no more dancing for me. I'll be the guy in the club seated at the bar or standing in the shadows, too cool to dance to madonna! Ya'll can go break a leg and I'll say that with a voodoo doll in one hand and a sledghammer in the other.