My 12 year old cousin came to me yesterday with a sullen almost mournful expression on her face. I was certain something serious was up because she usually greets me like she expects Beyonce to come in right after me, all shrieks and giggles and little in the way of coherent speech and absolutely no self-restraint. One time I got a shoe to my face because on seeing me, she did a high kick that sent her shoe flying across the room, zinging my poor little head, knocking the structure right out of my legs. She's tempered her enthusiasm since then but that only means she's bouncing off the walls now and not the ceiling too. So I took my dearly down-trodden over to the kitchen counter, poured her a glass of ginger ale and asked her to come out with it.
I think my mom watches pornos
What?
I found some porno tapes in my moms drawer
Now, I like to play the big brother. I like to think I can play him well because I've managed to condense all the rules to being a capable adult into one easy-to-master maxim: "above all else, keep your cool" but it only takes a problem, so at peace with its own absurdity to make keeping one's head seem as ridiculous as sipping nails through a straw. I wanted to burst out laughing and I would have if she wasn't taking it so hard. Instead, after silently counting to ten just to keep a straight face, I came up with this deeply discerning jewel of a question:
OK. When did you find it?
Yesterday. I was just looking for where she hid my candy canes - the ones I got for Christmas. I was just looking for them in the drawer because she always hides stuff in there. Can you believe my mom watches them?
I couldn't. I didn't want to. I pictured my aunt inclined in her lazy-boy at night - her blinds drawn, the door, bolted, watching a dirty blond get gang-banged by yards and yards of the hard stuff; the volume turned down to a low whisper and her thighs viced on each other, squeezing out pure ecstasy. It was all too much for me and apparently, for my little cousin too. But even as I found this picture of my aunt somewhat disturbing, the novelty of having a porn-watching (maybe even addicted?) aunt gave the whole affair a tang of coolness. What other secrets lurked behind her closed doors and hidden in her drawers? Whips and chains and leather masks? Blow-up dolls and chain-metal sex slings? The possibilities were endless...but explorable and I figured I'd take my sweet time going over every one of them, but now was for my cousin. What to say?... What to say? ...
Did you watch them?
umm...maybe
She drew out the 'maybe' like a question and I just about saw her innocence buy a one-way ticket back to the pearly gates on the heavenly express, never to return. I felt as though she'd been despoiled, her starry-eyes, dimmed, by her mother no less and yet my emotions -vague but hot, were for the moment directed at her
WHY DID YOU WATCH IT?
curiosity... maybe (again, sounding like a question) I didn't see the whole thing though
Yea, but you saw enough to know it was porn and you kept on watching?
An assumption I'd made up completely out of the blue.
What is it with you kids and your curious eyes? Don't you know enough to leave your mothers things alone?
My voice beginning to rise...
Look, I don't know why that tape was there, maybe it belonged to someone else but it's HER business, it's her goddamn business and I'm pretty sure she'll appreciate you staying out of it. You understand me?
Why are you yelling? She screamed back at me in the audacity only kids born and raised in America can conjure.
Because you should know better.
And with that said, she got up, walked out of the apartment and slammed the door shut behind her. I was dumb struck - what the fuck did she do that for?
It was only this morning after I'd slept off the shock and anger of the night before did I begin to feel the guilt that I had coming to me. Why did I blow up like that? Why was it directed at her instead of her careless mother? I also kept wandering what the right response would've been had I acted rationally. I discovered porn at about the same age so maybe I was overreacting. Maybe we should have laughed it off over Ginger Ale and some cookies but it's so hard to picture talking to her about sex or pornography, icky stuff. It was all too confusing.
I prayed this morning...
Thank heavens for little girls...not so much the bigger ones.
I like being big brother but I'm really making things up as I go along. The more she grows, the more she catches up to me and it takes me - old man that I am , a little while to notice this and adjust accordingly.
We spoke on the phone this afternoon and I apologized for last night. I think she loves me again. The porno talk, that's hopefully on the back burner...for now.
Monday, February 4, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
Things that bug me 2
1) Automatic doors that open slowly.
2) News reporters who refer to 9/11 as the day "America lost her innocence".
I say: You've got to be kidding me. America...innocent? Puhleez.
3) Guys who wear suspenders.
Pants should be secured to your waist not left floating halfway up your torso.
4) People who use "like" to punctuate their sentences.
It's like so like annoying I want to like put a bullet through like your fucking head. You like-y?
5) People who stand on escalators.
I know it moves but it's still a staircase you know.
6) Green M&Ms.
Just ridiculous.
7) Inconsiderate ATM users.
They try a couple of pin numbers before deciding to give theirs a go.
Print out bank statements and deposit some 5 or 6 checks separately.
Eject their card and begin to walk off.
Then...
You're interrupted. They "forgot to withdraw"
You let them get their money
and wait for the lazy printer to spit out their receipt
1 minute and 30 seconds:
Time spent waiting for Asshole-icus maximus to finish examining it's receipt.
The receipt is folded. Once. Then twice.
30 seconds:
Time this species requires to locate it's smaller pouch within it's larger one and deposit the receipt
1:
Number of people in line when Asshole-icus maximus began using ATM
6:
Number of victims left in it's wake.
2) News reporters who refer to 9/11 as the day "America lost her innocence".
I say: You've got to be kidding me. America...innocent? Puhleez.
3) Guys who wear suspenders.
Pants should be secured to your waist not left floating halfway up your torso.
4) People who use "like" to punctuate their sentences.
It's like so like annoying I want to like put a bullet through like your fucking head. You like-y?
5) People who stand on escalators.
I know it moves but it's still a staircase you know.
6) Green M&Ms.
Just ridiculous.
7) Inconsiderate ATM users.
They try a couple of pin numbers before deciding to give theirs a go.
Print out bank statements and deposit some 5 or 6 checks separately.
Eject their card and begin to walk off.
Then...
You're interrupted. They "forgot to withdraw"
You let them get their money
and wait for the lazy printer to spit out their receipt
1 minute and 30 seconds:
Time spent waiting for Asshole-icus maximus to finish examining it's receipt.
The receipt is folded. Once. Then twice.
30 seconds:
Time this species requires to locate it's smaller pouch within it's larger one and deposit the receipt
1:
Number of people in line when Asshole-icus maximus began using ATM
6:
Number of victims left in it's wake.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
The dude made me cry in Brokeback
And so it came to me last night
a bullet through my heart
unfair the hand that tips the scales
of karma and of fate
that the best ones leave before their time
is hard enough to bear
that the worst of them keep rolling on
stay hope: an endless prayer
Heath, we'll always have Brokeback
a bullet through my heart
unfair the hand that tips the scales
of karma and of fate
that the best ones leave before their time
is hard enough to bear
that the worst of them keep rolling on
stay hope: an endless prayer
Heath, we'll always have Brokeback
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Let them entertain us
I'd spend a bit more time on this particular blog entry but I've got a few minutes before the start of class and I want to get this out there or I'll probably get lazy and not do it.
Did anyone watch the South Carolina debates last night between Clinton and Obama? If you didn't, you missed a helluva show. I thought they were going to fight - and I don't mean the usual battle of wits like we're used to from these uppity aristocratic types, I mean a full-out I'ma-kick-your-ass-with-this-shoe-on-my-foot, mano-a-womano smack-down. I really did. I thought at some point, Obama was going to step off his podium, walk over to Hillary and fire a fat loogie in her general direction and Clinton would reply with a deft left hook to the right jaw and the rest would be pay-per-view history.
I used to say to myself - Obama and Clinton seem to have risen above the fray, they have transcended the usual dirty politics... no mis-characterizing ads yet and they've been relatively respectful of each other and the positions they each represent. Maybe they do genuinely represent this so-called "change" they've been hawking for about a year now. Then last night happened. Now I say to myself, FUCK the "woe is me, I'm a woman, how can you not see how awesome I am" campaign Hillary is running and FUCK the "I'm for change, change is me, me is change, change I am, change. change. change." campaign Obama is sticking to, they are politicians and inherently evil, insufferably despicable, and alas, tragically necessary. I would just appreciate a little more honesty from both of them. More of this savagery and less of the other, more demure, "classy" politicking. This kind is by far more entertaining and at the end of the day, isn't it all for and about our entertainment?
PS
The other dude...
PSS
Whats his name?...
PSSS
ah yes, Edwards.
PSSSS
whats his deal anyway?
Did anyone watch the South Carolina debates last night between Clinton and Obama? If you didn't, you missed a helluva show. I thought they were going to fight - and I don't mean the usual battle of wits like we're used to from these uppity aristocratic types, I mean a full-out I'ma-kick-your-ass-with-this-shoe-on-my-foot, mano-a-womano smack-down. I really did. I thought at some point, Obama was going to step off his podium, walk over to Hillary and fire a fat loogie in her general direction and Clinton would reply with a deft left hook to the right jaw and the rest would be pay-per-view history.
I used to say to myself - Obama and Clinton seem to have risen above the fray, they have transcended the usual dirty politics... no mis-characterizing ads yet and they've been relatively respectful of each other and the positions they each represent. Maybe they do genuinely represent this so-called "change" they've been hawking for about a year now. Then last night happened. Now I say to myself, FUCK the "woe is me, I'm a woman, how can you not see how awesome I am" campaign Hillary is running and FUCK the "I'm for change, change is me, me is change, change I am, change. change. change." campaign Obama is sticking to, they are politicians and inherently evil, insufferably despicable, and alas, tragically necessary. I would just appreciate a little more honesty from both of them. More of this savagery and less of the other, more demure, "classy" politicking. This kind is by far more entertaining and at the end of the day, isn't it all for and about our entertainment?
PS
The other dude...
PSS
Whats his name?...
PSSS
ah yes, Edwards.
PSSSS
whats his deal anyway?
Friday, January 18, 2008
Spoken word
Hey everyone.
So a couple of posts ago I recounted my adventures at a certain gay meeting and posted a couple of videos from a spoken word artist who perform at that meeting. Since that time, I've been searching and listening to all kinds of videos and audio clips of spoken word poetry and I've got to tell you all, this art form, this medium of activism and story telling with words and rhythm is spell binding. I wish I could do it. Everytime I listen to a clip of something powerful or clever I wish I could've done it first. I say to myself: "that's so true" or "I was just thinking the same thing a week...or a month...or year ago" only I didn't string my thoughts together in such an inspired way. It's got to be some kind of talent, it's just got to be.
Here are a few of my favorites...it's so hard to narrow them down.
BASSEY IKPI..."Homeword" ...for a little nostalgia. I also like from her "Apology To My Unborn"
"Yellow Rage"...They're so angry, it's funny. Don't listen if you don't like cursing (but if you've read this blog, I know you don't mind).
SUHEIR HAMMAD...Well, she's just brilliant isn't she.
So a couple of posts ago I recounted my adventures at a certain gay meeting and posted a couple of videos from a spoken word artist who perform at that meeting. Since that time, I've been searching and listening to all kinds of videos and audio clips of spoken word poetry and I've got to tell you all, this art form, this medium of activism and story telling with words and rhythm is spell binding. I wish I could do it. Everytime I listen to a clip of something powerful or clever I wish I could've done it first. I say to myself: "that's so true" or "I was just thinking the same thing a week...or a month...or year ago" only I didn't string my thoughts together in such an inspired way. It's got to be some kind of talent, it's just got to be.
Here are a few of my favorites...it's so hard to narrow them down.
BASSEY IKPI..."Homeword" ...for a little nostalgia. I also like from her "Apology To My Unborn"
"Yellow Rage"...They're so angry, it's funny. Don't listen if you don't like cursing (but if you've read this blog, I know you don't mind).
SUHEIR HAMMAD...Well, she's just brilliant isn't she.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Of the under-learned
"we were in this garden and we were so inspired by these wonderful botanicals ...."
Heard that gem on TV and had to write it down for...for...umm...well, for future reference. Think of it, how many times have you ever heard the word "botanical" used outside of a science classroom or a shampoo ad? My guess is never. Except if you're like me, then you've heard it used by your 11 year old cousin who you babysit a couple of times a week and who manages to make you feel slightly dumber than the last time you were with him because he "expectorates" when you ask him not to spit in the kitchen sink and promptly sets you straight for thinking "niggardly" was a "bawdy" word when it simply means "frugal" or "penurious". But even he, in all his nerdidom, has never seen "botanicals" where there was a beautiful garden to be admired.
Now one might think the person I'm refering to was trying a bit too hard to show off a little more of their scholarship than they possessed, but I disagree. I like people like this; people who can razzle dazzle with words and phrases and stop you dead in your tracks with their constructions. They remind me to look at the English language with renewed respect and awe because try as I may to master proper English from the so called masters of the language, it is always those who dare to tresspass beyond the forgivable that keep me interested.
Word of the day: Toothsome, only because I thought it had something to do with teeth. It means delicious or luscious like a tasty meal or a sexy, handsome, adonis of a man or woman like me.
PS: I've been around, just uninspired that's all.
Heard that gem on TV and had to write it down for...for...umm...well, for future reference. Think of it, how many times have you ever heard the word "botanical" used outside of a science classroom or a shampoo ad? My guess is never. Except if you're like me, then you've heard it used by your 11 year old cousin who you babysit a couple of times a week and who manages to make you feel slightly dumber than the last time you were with him because he "expectorates" when you ask him not to spit in the kitchen sink and promptly sets you straight for thinking "niggardly" was a "bawdy" word when it simply means "frugal" or "penurious". But even he, in all his nerdidom, has never seen "botanicals" where there was a beautiful garden to be admired.
Now one might think the person I'm refering to was trying a bit too hard to show off a little more of their scholarship than they possessed, but I disagree. I like people like this; people who can razzle dazzle with words and phrases and stop you dead in your tracks with their constructions. They remind me to look at the English language with renewed respect and awe because try as I may to master proper English from the so called masters of the language, it is always those who dare to tresspass beyond the forgivable that keep me interested.
Word of the day: Toothsome, only because I thought it had something to do with teeth. It means delicious or luscious like a tasty meal or a sexy, handsome, adonis of a man or woman like me.
PS: I've been around, just uninspired that's all.
2008
My first post of the New year is going to be short and sweet. All I have to say to the people that have left comments on or visited this blog in the past year is: you're sexy! Yes. You're very sexy and I hope you have a very sexy 2008...well...realistically, it's not going to be sexy for all of you because some of you guys will fatten up this year or go on a hardcore diet and get all auschwitz skinny and umm...some others will, at various points in the year, break out in a rash or catch a bad cold and those can make for very un-sexy people. So I'll say, have a mostly sexy 2008. How's that?
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