Hello stranger..

well what do you know, school starts and OMG i'm dragging my feet to my own blog!! Cats out of the bag, i'm a procastinator of the worst kind. I'm the type of person who sits in front of a t.v. and stares at it, not because there's anything interesting on, but simple because, i'm too lazy to reach for the damn clicker which for some dumb reason isn't within arms length as it always should be. I'm not making any promises but I'll try to be better because as I said before, I need to write this blog.

I've settled on a title for my blog ... "walls in my closet". I think it expresses quite nicely- if i do say so myself (and i do), why I'm compelled to blog. I've got secrets you see... ok scrap that, i've got A secret. I'm Gay. There, not a secret anymore but its not that simple coz I know I'm gay and now you're in the know but we don't know each other so in a sense, its now our secret. Its this secret and the obstacles that I face because of it that form the walls of my closet. I wish I could tell everyone I know about my "gayness" but I'm terrified of showing myself. The effect of years and years of self repression and negation have forced me into a fortress that I am only now beginning to crack. (Of course an equally important reason is that my dad foots most of my bills and I'll be damned if I can't have my caviar-on-a-cracker morning waker-upper or champagne bubble baths!! damn you vanity, damn you I say!! )

I can't say for sure if I've always known I was gay but I remember my first encounter with another boy, i was about 7 or 8, he was a little older and it was very PG. we didn't even smooch, we just...er..felt? each other up. It was exciting and i thought afterwards that he'd be my bestfriend for life but after that day, I never saw him again. He never came by my house and I damned myself with every memory of him for not establishing any means of communication. As time passed and I grew into my teenage years, the female allure that raptured every boy I knew seemed to escape me and it wasn't because I couldn't see it, I could and I desired it for myself but I just couldn't feel it like other boys and that was the source of my frustration. For a while I blamed my friend for this frustration and tried to convince myself that that one encounter with him had turned me away from girls.

Of course, you can try all you like but you'll never succeed in believing your own lies. I knew deep down from way back, from flecks of memory buried in my subconscious that there was always something different about me, something that couldn't be helped, and I knew that I'd discovered it. frustration turned into fear, a fear that consumed me when I knew that I might never "be normal" in the ways boys ought to be and that fear brought in depression when I finally accepted my fate. These days are different, time heals many but not all wounds . Time has given me wisdom to find some contentment in who I've become who is who I was always meant to be. I know ahead of me lies a place where I can look at life outside anyone else's lens, and look for completeness within myself but to get there I know i've got to leave this closet behind me.

I asked my friend long ago why in heavens name God would create mankind only to destroy a greater portion of it. He showed me something which stuck with me but whose exact location in the bible i can't quite remember. (paraphrasing) "thou art worthy to receive glory honor and power for thou hast created all things for thy pleasure..." and I thought, well aren't we all an ego driven bunch of fools. To think that we are no more than comic relief for some greater power ought to make life a lot less tragic.