....
Made you shift a little in you seat didn't it?
mmhmm....
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Monday, July 9, 2007
My dad called yesterday and asked if I'd read "A Purpose Driven Life". Before I could respond he said he'd be willing to send it all the way from Nigeria if I hadn't. Word must've spread that I'm embracing American hedonism. Hmm..I wonder who snitched on me...
I actually own the book. It was given to me a couple of years ago by a very special person when I was going through an emotionally rough patch. I think I read a few chapters, I can't really remember. I guess it didn't make much of an impression on me or my circumstance. It's a christian book and like most christian books, it describes the life one ought to have and offers a 10 step program (in this case, an incredible 40! *sigh*) to getting it.
I have nothing against christian books.. really, I don't. They served their purpose for most christians who happen to be heterosexual but I am yet to find one that blends the sodomite in me with the promises of heaven without trying to eliminate the sodomite part.
The general christian concensus is that at some point in my life I got into homosexuality by accident (or choice) and got hooked on it like a crack-head to crack and its just a matter of effort on my part mixed in with "the grace of Jesus" and a hint of "annointing by the holy spirit" and poof, I'll be whole and "normal" again. How have they come by all this you might ask?? Well naturally, by the kind of reasoning that completely shuns the individual for a belief in some higher ideal that has never been since forever!
I wrestled for the longest time with my faith, trying to seek a cure for something that was as natural to me as the color of my hair but all I found in the bible was not a cure or compassion for my sufferings, but consequences, dire ones. Can you imagine if an omnipotent power says to you, you'll burn in hell because you are naturally left handed. How in the world can you change that?? Even if you decided to learn to use you right hand, it doesn't change the fact that your natural preference is your left. Can anyone say that "normal" or "natural" means being right handed when there are obviously left handed people all over the place. How does that make any sense?
It exasperates me!
And now the old man wants to gear me into leading a "purpose driven life". Driven to where exactly??? Surely not heaven...and certainly not happiness because that would mean embrassing my "sinful" self which is a big Christian no no and...well, we know how God is with his smiting hand.
Bad as this might seem, it isn't the worst of it. The real tragedy is I cannot just deny being christian. I can't tell myself that God does not exist and believe me, I have tried so many times with so many arguments and come to no conclusion at all...or rather, none that I can throughly convince myself with. God loves you...minus that part of you, makes no sense to me at all and yet it resonates so strongly with such painful conviction within me!
I am resigned to living in awe and wonder and worry...let those who believe without doubt,
things they have absolutely no comprehension of, continue. I on the other hand, cannot understand this being called God.
PS "Gay Christian"...oxymoron?
I actually own the book. It was given to me a couple of years ago by a very special person when I was going through an emotionally rough patch. I think I read a few chapters, I can't really remember. I guess it didn't make much of an impression on me or my circumstance. It's a christian book and like most christian books, it describes the life one ought to have and offers a 10 step program (in this case, an incredible 40! *sigh*) to getting it.
I have nothing against christian books.. really, I don't. They served their purpose for most christians who happen to be heterosexual but I am yet to find one that blends the sodomite in me with the promises of heaven without trying to eliminate the sodomite part.
The general christian concensus is that at some point in my life I got into homosexuality by accident (or choice) and got hooked on it like a crack-head to crack and its just a matter of effort on my part mixed in with "the grace of Jesus" and a hint of "annointing by the holy spirit" and poof, I'll be whole and "normal" again. How have they come by all this you might ask?? Well naturally, by the kind of reasoning that completely shuns the individual for a belief in some higher ideal that has never been since forever!
I wrestled for the longest time with my faith, trying to seek a cure for something that was as natural to me as the color of my hair but all I found in the bible was not a cure or compassion for my sufferings, but consequences, dire ones. Can you imagine if an omnipotent power says to you, you'll burn in hell because you are naturally left handed. How in the world can you change that?? Even if you decided to learn to use you right hand, it doesn't change the fact that your natural preference is your left. Can anyone say that "normal" or "natural" means being right handed when there are obviously left handed people all over the place. How does that make any sense?
It exasperates me!
And now the old man wants to gear me into leading a "purpose driven life". Driven to where exactly??? Surely not heaven...and certainly not happiness because that would mean embrassing my "sinful" self which is a big Christian no no and...well, we know how God is with his smiting hand.
Bad as this might seem, it isn't the worst of it. The real tragedy is I cannot just deny being christian. I can't tell myself that God does not exist and believe me, I have tried so many times with so many arguments and come to no conclusion at all...or rather, none that I can throughly convince myself with. God loves you...minus that part of you, makes no sense to me at all and yet it resonates so strongly with such painful conviction within me!
I am resigned to living in awe and wonder and worry...let those who believe without doubt,
things they have absolutely no comprehension of, continue. I on the other hand, cannot understand this being called God.
PS "Gay Christian"...oxymoron?
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