Last week my uncle sat me down and asked why I'd stopped going to church, only the second time we'd had this conversation. I just sat there and stared back at him ... sort of looking through him really, I had no answer I could share with him and I was also well aware of what questions like this meant. they may seem well intended but I know from experience that it isn't really asked to find out anything about you, its a precursor to a lecture on how you ought to be thinking. Whatever reasons I give are going to be shut down and dismissed and I'll end up feeling like I'm not being responsible with my life, or I'm certainly not thinking about life in the highly cerebral way only real church-going christians do.
So faced with that sort of dead-end situation, I said I really had no reason for not going and mumbled some BS about school work and the hardships of living in America (*yea in my head, i was rolling my eyes too*) then I sat back and listened or at least I tried to. Sure enough he didn't feel the need to probe any further, he just went right into how I ought to take my spiritual life seriously (where he got the idea that I had one is beyond me but I guess its an easier lecture if this is assumed), fellowship streghtens faith, God loves you and all that good spiritual stuff thats supposed to bring me to tears and make me understand how totally foolish i've been. Then he asked if I had any questions and I gladly said no hoping (but knowing better) that the bell had rung and lecture was over...nope...more "God understands everything you're going through..." and I slowly start to focus my attention on the whitish spec right next to his right eye, a pimple? a crumb? shit...does my uncle use white powder? WTF is that speck, should I tell him about it? Then deciding its probably not a good idea to interrupt his sermon for a spec of white whatever, I go back to listening and discover he's about done...sort of giving a summary of all he'd just said.
He pauses, looks at me like i'm some puppy about to be put down and sighs...I sit there thinking, maybe I am a lost cause, maybe I don't know what the hell i'm doing with my life, maybe there is a God up in heaven, eyes brimming with pity, looking at me like my uncle is right now, maybe, maybe, maybe...but what makes my uncle so sure of himself? Aren't we both just as clueless about life as the priest on his pulpit or the president or even dare I say, Oprah? Don't we all start at one point in life and move relentlessly in one direction to an end? Has there been anyone who has lived in reverse, starting from death and ending in birth? So what can he tell me about my future when he is just as clueless about his as I am about mine? So I don't go to church and he does, what about it? He might say God is an entity out there far far away, I might say, he's here on earth. Who's to say he's right and I'm wrong or vice versa. If i chose to live my life in one way out of the infinite number of ways available to me, how can he convince me, with any kind of integrity that I am wrong and he is right?
WHAT MAKES HIM SO F*ING SURE!
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13 comments:
hmm. thought provoking post.
I feel you brotha
not cause Its necessarily the right thing
but because we're in the same boat
I also don't lead a life where I can seem to make room for church on the regular
D.O.G
Well...why did you stop going?
lol about the whitish stuff near his eyes & u rolling ur eyes in ur mind..tew funny!....me i believe there is a God ,though i know my christian life aint where it is suppose to be but i dey try..Sometime i feel like "is there really a God" and then later i am convinced..i can just feel his presence all around me...It is like the air we breathe,we cannot see it but we know it is there and we need it for survival....because we cannot see it doesnt mean it doesnt exist!
Its tew hot a topic but I love the title. Now let me go read. I'll say more in a little bit.
I think it's something everyone has to work out independently. Your uncle's conviction in his faith, obviously means nothing to you, and there's no reason why it should. I'd say, when you're ready to face the issue head on and work out if there is a religion/a supreme being out there that works for you, your solution'll come to you so easily you'll probably be taken by surprise ;)
Spooks, Your first graf made me chuckle. The scenario sounded very familiar, and recent too given my trip to the motherland in April. I got the "church lecture" a-plenty. And darn it if people weren't confused when I tried explaining that for me spirituality is not akin to church-going. That stumped them or seemed to invigorate them more to tell me that for sure life--my life, I guess--without God is a wasted one. Mind you, I never once said I didn't believe in God, just that I don't go to church. At a point, I decided that doing as you did--just keeping quiet--was a far wiser tactic. Arguing makes it worse.
As much as I admire how dedicated some folks are to their bible, church, etc, I'd like for them to leave me alone to work on my spirituality. Sebi it's not as if I go around mocking them for theirs.
By the way, "Happy Belated Birthday!" and thanks for stopping by. :-)
the ambivalence of religion exists and like Bitchy said i think its an independent thing to work out but again Ill be back?
Thanks for stopping.
And let me re-echo blackgirls Happy birthday. Hope to see you around.
I feel you brotha
Spooke E, you are alright.
It s for you, really, to find or not find. I understand the pressure from the likes of your Uncle.
It s really not about right and wrong yet.
Truth should be our passion. And if we are proper people, we should wish for people to find for themselves, to lead their own lives. We could help but never be overbearing… anyway what am I saying…
@ the captain: surprised you asked that question. i thought you'd support one less obvious sinner in church. Lets just put it this way, I'm not about to change who I know I am simply to get on anyones good side, be it my uncle or some so called "supreme" celebrity many mistake for God. My God loves who I am PERIOD!
@pseudo: Thanks for the bday wish
@Blackgirl: Thank for bday wish and welcome back to blogsville.
@jaja: Amen to that!
feel you. don't go to church too. mom asks why and i said, don't know! why is religion so important to the black man? but i guess am just making excuses and the real reason is in my heart, i feel am too black for white! (too sinful) and don't need the guilt trip going to church brings on.
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