My dad called yesterday and asked if I'd read "A Purpose Driven Life". Before I could respond he said he'd be willing to send it all the way from Nigeria if I hadn't. Word must've spread that I'm embracing American hedonism. Hmm..I wonder who snitched on me...
I actually own the book. It was given to me a couple of years ago by a very special person when I was going through an emotionally rough patch. I think I read a few chapters, I can't really remember. I guess it didn't make much of an impression on me or my circumstance. It's a christian book and like most christian books, it describes the life one ought to have and offers a 10 step program (in this case, an incredible 40! *sigh*) to getting it.
I have nothing against christian books.. really, I don't. They served their purpose for most christians who happen to be heterosexual but I am yet to find one that blends the sodomite in me with the promises of heaven without trying to eliminate the sodomite part.
The general christian concensus is that at some point in my life I got into homosexuality by accident (or choice) and got hooked on it like a crack-head to crack and its just a matter of effort on my part mixed in with "the grace of Jesus" and a hint of "annointing by the holy spirit" and poof, I'll be whole and "normal" again. How have they come by all this you might ask?? Well naturally, by the kind of reasoning that completely shuns the individual for a belief in some higher ideal that has never been since forever!
I wrestled for the longest time with my faith, trying to seek a cure for something that was as natural to me as the color of my hair but all I found in the bible was not a cure or compassion for my sufferings, but consequences, dire ones. Can you imagine if an omnipotent power says to you, you'll burn in hell because you are naturally left handed. How in the world can you change that?? Even if you decided to learn to use you right hand, it doesn't change the fact that your natural preference is your left. Can anyone say that "normal" or "natural" means being right handed when there are obviously left handed people all over the place. How does that make any sense?
It exasperates me!
And now the old man wants to gear me into leading a "purpose driven life". Driven to where exactly??? Surely not heaven...and certainly not happiness because that would mean embrassing my "sinful" self which is a big Christian no no and...well, we know how God is with his smiting hand.
Bad as this might seem, it isn't the worst of it. The real tragedy is I cannot just deny being christian. I can't tell myself that God does not exist and believe me, I have tried so many times with so many arguments and come to no conclusion at all...or rather, none that I can throughly convince myself with. God loves you...minus that part of you, makes no sense to me at all and yet it resonates so strongly with such painful conviction within me!
I am resigned to living in awe and wonder and worry...let those who believe without doubt,
things they have absolutely no comprehension of, continue. I on the other hand, cannot understand this being called God.
PS "Gay Christian"...oxymoron?
7 comments:
Heavy stuff...
but i have learnt that its healthy, necessary to question Faith...
Even Jesus had his own 'Gethsamane'....
Concerning sexuality, .. funny enough i have been thinking on stuff like that and faith.. although am not Gay... at this point i insist on making some sense for my self, find my own truth.. anyway what amI saying? am still working on the post...( ok, i havnt actually started. just sort of brewing in my head)
I hope you ve been Ok tho?..
and BTW if you dont want the book,i cld send my post box number..)))) it may even look nice on the shelf if nothing else!
Gay Christian Oxymoron- gene Robinson would say no, maybe even Jimmy Baldwin, but what do I know
@jaja: I'd love to read your post...please work faster :)
I'm all confused...I think my post was very confused (I just re-read it)...maybe you can bring some clarity. I'm fine though, thanks for asking. Hope you're doing well too.
I'd send the book if it wasn't given to me by a very special person. I keep it to remeber her.
@uknaija: They'd say no, but I wish they'd tell my why. I mean if no was an obvious answer, the why is homosexuality still sinful in the eyes of the church?
Hey Spook,
I was in the conservative, evangelical church for many years, so I know how "aroused" they get over things like Rick Warren's book!
The turning point for me in accepting my faith AND my sexuality was when I recognised there is a spiritual spectrum, and made the decision to travel from the conservative end to the progressive end.
In other words, it was when I realised that so many of the church's dilemmas and contradictions, and its hypocrisy and illogical positions on issues, came from interpreting the Bible too literally.
The more science and research teach us about ourselves and our world, the more the Bible seems out-of-step with reality.
I discovered that once you no longer take every word as God's literal "truth" (a grossly misused word in these circles), everything makes a lot more sense ... including the issue of our sexuality.
The apparent contradictions of Bible v Gay disappear.
I now read the Bible for what it is ... a collection of writings by men from patriarchal societies, spanning thousands of years, of wildly varying cultures and a number of different languages.
It is also worth keeping in mind that the earlier (Hebrew) writings only made it to written from after a long time of verbal transmission (remember Chinese Whispers?). Then even in written form, the words and ideas have been translated and mis-translated, altered, added to and deleted, according to the culture and times of the translation.
The Bible is still a valuable book with useful ideas, but it needs to be read for what it really is. Not some supernatural book that magically appeared as the perfect and ultimate answer to everything.
Once we view it that way, then we can relax and accept the view that a person's sexual orientation is not much different to a person's handedness, as you mentioned in your post.
It's irrelevant if a person is left-handed or right-handed, as it should be about our sexual preferences. What is, is what is. Nothing more, nothing less. There's nothing right or wrong about it.
Interestingly, the best current research on our sexual orientation, as in our handedness, says that it is something ordered in the brain, probably in utero.
As you said, left handers can learn to write right-handed, but they are still naturally left-handed. Just as people can learn to act and think "straight". But that doesn't change who they really are.
How many times have we heard of guys who have apparently converted from gay to straight, only to revert back to their natural state some time later? So many times!
The number of genuine "conversions" at the hands of Christian anti-gay ministries is so minuscule that its laughable. But the fraudsters would never admit that.
Actually, it's not laughable at all. It's heartbreaking and dangerous. So many guys have gone into deep depression, even suicided, because they've been made to think they've failed themselves and God by not successfully converting. These so-called "ministries" have messed up so many lives that, if we really do have to make account before God of our lives, the people behind them would be the first on the chopping block.
And I'm not just making this up about the destroyed lives. There is a lot of research, documentation and books available to show this. You can start with Wayne Besen's or Anthony Venn-Brown's books and web sites.
I'll stop now as I've gone for too long! This is a soapbox issue for me and I just hate to see great people like you Spook get confused over all this religious nonsense.
The conservative Christian church has a lot to answer for and I am very glad not to have anything more to do with it.
motherfucker (i mean this is an endearment really) after predicting my death, you now went on to abandon me for a month! well just to tell you that am still alive and kicking fighting! back (and better?)
now to answer your question, belatedly. i am not homosexual, i am just a hedonist, who is trying to get used to the idea in this our uptight society (nigeria) that she's the kind of person who would sleep with anybody at a whim and with money being the last thing on her mind. just for the simple reason that she's sexy and enjoy sex.(sorry, i don't really have a problem)
gay christian? not oxymoron just glad to know that you really know that things are not as simple as you tried to make them sound on my blog
@greg: thanks so much for taking the time, I read and re-read what you wrote and I think I've been a little too apathetic towards xtianity considering it's been such a big issue in my life. I'm curious though, when you discovered the bible wasn't to be read literally, well...are you still a christian? I mean, are God and Satan just philosophical concepts? Was Jesus just a philosopher like Plato and Socrates and the like?
@eccentric: You go girl lol. More attitude like yours and we might me getting somewhere. There is unparralled freedom in truth
Am I still a "Christian"? Hmmm... that depends on how "Christian" is defined.
If you take Christian to mean a person who "accepts Jesus Christ as their Saviour and Lord" or similar words that describe a "born again" experience, then no.
I don't accept the concept that Jesus had to "die on the cross for my sins", etc. Nor do I accept the concepts of heaven and hell.
But I guess I identify as Christian in the sense that it is partially through the Jesus tradition that I have come to some understanding of the spiritual realm.
I'm not sure how I'd describe how or what I see "God" as being. But it certainly isn't in theistic terms.
Of Jesus, he was a man who, it seems, had many wise and useful things to say about ourselves and how we should relate to each other. But he was a man, not "God", and not the product of a supernatural virgin birth. I guess "philosopher" is a reasonable way to describe him.
Thanks for asking Spook. I'm enjoying this dialogue.
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