another week, another post and i'm dragging my feet still but things will pick up i promise. i simply have to study for five classes replete with papers to write, bloody unannounced quizzes and brain-numbing exams, work for practically pennies a day, buy a computer- a used one of course because i sure as heck can't afford any thing fancy- and by fancy i mean new, and rework my schedule so i can have some quiet time to pause and think and write about how hellish things have been. oh yes things will pick up soon.
OK i'm sorry, i needed to vent, lets proceed...
I've been curious these past feew weeks about popular gay African Americans. i don't know why...maybe its because i have no one to identify with, no one in any real sense to call a brother or friend. then again, i can't say i've tried to find friends. this life of mine is a crazy way to live. i choose to have few people around me because i know that i can't be honest about who i am, i mean who i truly am. that way, when i'm ready to hoist that rainbow flag and declare my coming out there'll be few to disappoint and hopefully fewer still to lose. but like anyone, somedays you wish you had someone to be completely "naked" to, you know share everything about you, someone who falls in love with those very things that make you alien to the world.
Langston Hughes, Bruce Nugent, James Baldwin, Wallace Thurmond, Countee Cullen ... the list really does go on, all African American, all gay living and flaming in the early 20th century. Being Gay today is daunting, being gay and black...well...you've hit the jackpot! but imagine how it must have been back in the day when churches ruled the black community, it was darn near illegal to be black in america let alone a "homosexual" and yet Baldwin made no secret of his love for men but even more remarkable is the calm candour with which he confronted ... no, make that OWNED his sexuality. it was not his defining image by any means, far from it actually but he didn't apologize for it and he didn't hide it all. if you haven't read any of his books, let me recommend "Giovanni's Room" and you'll understand his brilliance. Nugent was a another character, his poetry is beautiful but check out his art... OK i take that back, don't check out his art just take my word for it, its tripple X rated gay stuff but my God this guy must have had balls to be drawing stuff like that back in the 20's and 30's. Langston's sexual prefence is legendary and oh what a poet he was.
yes i know i've probably painted a pretty and romantic and somewhat fairytail-ish story about these guys, i'm sure they met with a lot of rejection from...well just about everyone, white, black, men, women but thats expected, my joy is that they were there, they existed. my fascination is that they were black and unpopular but unapologetically true to who they were.
All hero's of mine every one of them. brilliant and bold and gay. I'm still learning about them but from what i've gathered already, they're a huge source of inspiration. I imagine them my friends, teaching me through their works and biographies how fearless i could become. they are true friends you see because i have no secrets with them and damn it. they don't gossip!
I watched a movie that used some of Nugents work, i thought this line particulary exemplary of his honey coated silky smooth words i'm paraphrasing but hopefully you'll fall in love with it's dreamy-ness just like i did.
"it was almost as though it had journeyed to meet him . . . the night was so blue . . . how does blue feel . . . or red or gold or any other color ... if colors could be heard he could paint most wondrous tunes . . . symphonious . . . think ... the dulcet clear tone of a blue like night ...he blew a cloud of smoke ...but soon the moon would rise and then he would clothe the silver moon in blue smoke garments ...truly smoke was like imagination"
g'nite zzzzzzzzzzzz
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3 comments:
Reading your post a thought occurred to me (and let me know if you agree...): Which is harder: being a gay black man or being a gay Nigerian man? Some might say: What's the difference? I think there is one and it's the "Nigerian" tag. :-)
Do you think shedding some aspects of that identity will make things easier?
I think one encompasses the other. I'm a gay nigerian, a subset of a larger black gay community. \
Unfortunately I haven't had much contact with gay African American men but I do know that people in America are more aware or better still, more comfortable with the idea that a samll section of society is gay. It's everywhere you turn, on TV, marketing ads, schools, everywhere. People are even willing to debate on gay issues which points to some sort of comfort level that I believe is a way to understanding homosexuality and hopefully breeding some acceptance ... if you can't beat it out of me, at some point you'll have to deal with it and thats good enough for me.
Thats a far cry from Nigerians who believe a person being gay is a result of him/her being too influence by western values, values that are perceived as anti-religious. It's evil in everyway that its not even discussed at all. Don't get me wrong, Nigerians know its out there in the country somewhere but its as if theres this massive cloud of denial over eveyone.
I grew up in Nigeria and it took me a while to come to terms with my sexuality as said in the blog. I knew that I had inside me that unspoken "evil" and for a while I really hated who I was. I learnt to be secretive in everything and when you have something like that hanging over your head, it become necessary, at least for me, to distance myself from my family emotionally. It was dangerous to be found out!! Imagine when other kids my age were carefree, living and having fun, doing things kids did while all my energies went into protecting my secret and at the same time dealing with the inevitable truth that one day I'll have to face my family with it. all of this anxiety seriously F'ed up my identity
I'm rambling, i could go on forever but theres a crazy role religion plays in all this, hmmmm maybe i'll write about that soon. My Identity is a work in progress. It's warped and twisted in confusion and fear but i'm trying. Its easier to let go of the Gay Nigerian bit because i'm in America and its been comforting to do that. Here, I'm just a black man. That comes with its own payload after all homophobia in the black community is as bad as it gets in America...but then again, there is the Gay community out and about and thriving. I'm optimistic!
man, doesnt seem to be coming easy at ur end man! To be honest, its not as easy as it seem but you sure can work it out if atleast you could vent like this and you need a reliable source you could vent to.
You know my email, you can send me an email man, we are all busy but can always schedule time to help a brotha out, I would welcome a friendship in you, if you want to talk. I am still a work in progress but can always lend a hand, you dont need this on your shoulders, so many things to aim for, why bother yourself with your sexuality?
Have a good one bro, awaiting ur email!!
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