I don't write a lot of poetry ... I wish I did. There's a saying - all men are poets at heart, and I agree with it. I think its part of our natural arsenal for appealing to women ... its our softer side.
Today I was thinking about my relationship with my dad ... I suppose I was doing that because his birthday is coming up soon and the guy is edging closer to grandpa status, he'll be 80 in about 7 years!! My grandma was 77 when I was born so for me anyone around that age is a qualified geriatric. We have a fairly amiable relationship, he was a good father because he was a good provider, we never lacked anything. I feel all that work, all his promotions and his celebrity-like clout carved a divide between us ... he was there but certainly not in the emotional way you'd expect. We hardly spoke to each other beyond the dinner table and even there, our interactions felt mechanical, the way you might interact with your boss's boss, everything done and every word spoken carefully and deliberately within boundaries set by professional etiquette.
In many ways, I can't remember him in my childhood. We scarcely did anything together...there was that one time when he took me to the zoo and to see the ships at the dockyard. I remember feeling important in his eyes and at that time it meant the world ... then again, I had begged him for months for that trip, but that didn't matter. He'd made out time to do nothing else but take me out.
In all the years I knew my dad, I never saw him hug another man, and the only time I sensed any kind of deep emotion besides anger was the night he told me my mother passed. He cried, he wouldn't let me see it but heck I knew he did ... I heard the sniffling and I saw his shoulders tremble. There's an emotional disconnect that exists between many gay men and their fathers, I believe this because I've heard stories like mine told before ... maybe it's because we (and I mean gay men) are more intune with our softer side, we expect from our fathers a gentleness that is beyond their reason to give.
I wonder sometimes like I did when I wrote the four lines below what his reaction will be on that day when he'll be confronted with my sexuality. He'll freak out I know, but beyond that I really can't say for sure ... maybe that'll be the thing that breaks that divide into a fathomless chasm, maybe he'll come around and learn to accept me because he loves his son. I've fashioned my mind to prepare for the worst but I have a feeling nothing on heaven or earth can prepare me for that uncertain day.
To my father
If I came to you with my hallowed truth
of the love I seek from able men.
If that truth do not your dreams fulfill,
could I come to you again?
I'll write another verse again and again until I feel this poem is complete.
8 comments:
our interactions felt mechanical, the way you might interact with your boss's boss, everything done and every word spoken carefully and deliberately within boundaries set by professional etiquette.
AWW I LOVE CUT N PASTE
UR NOT ALONG THOSE SENTENCES SPEAKES FOR MY SELF ALSO
I FIND THE MORE YOU ACCOMPLISH SOMETHING TOGETHER BETTER THE RELATION
ITS GONNA BE DIFFERENT WITH MY KIDS
THANKS FOR THE COMMENT FLAVA FLAV
I KNOW ME N MY grammha
wao,
I can't seem to find anoda word to describe the feeling. ok I lied. That was absolutely breathtaking. I pray u and ur dad find a way to come closer together, especially after u've told him what u u need to tell him.
thankz for stopping by my blog btw
those four lines of poetry speak volumes. u may want to expand on them but u cetrtainly don't have to. that's just my opinion tho.
This is moving
Dude, i have to fess up. This post got my waterworks flowing. Even my daughter is looking sadly at me like she's also about to burst into tears. It doesn't help matters also that i'm a very soppy person. I cry when watching good or bad movies, i cry when people get eliminated from American Idol, i'm just so soppy.
But this time, i'm actually crying and sniffling because i've been reading your posts from the beginning. I didn't actually think i'd leave a comment initially, but i'm crying because i can feel your pain. All the unanswered questions in your head. Why you are gay. The rejection that you're scared of facing in our Nigerian society. All these things would naturally make you be on the defensive at all times.
I'd be honest with you that i've always felt that being gay is unnatural and that people are not born gay, but reading your blog is making me wonder how i really know this when i haven't experienced it. I know that you are obviously pained because you don't know why or how you turned out to be gay. You wish you weren't, but you are. You can't tell people for fear of rejection and you feel frustrated at this because you didn't choose to be gay. I think i'm understanding more where you're coming from.
My friend's brother and only son of his parents is also gay. He also doesn't understand how he turned out to be gay. He attended university in Nigeria and somehow his secret got out when he made a pass at someone he thought was mutually gay. He didn't realise that the guy had set him up. I won't even go into the details of what was done to this poor boy. Trust naija and jungle justice now; and from Uni students for that matter. But the truth is, even though i felt really bad for him and wasn't in support of what was done to him, i secretly thought he was a weirdo. Even his own sisters felt the same way. He's now over here in England, which of course makes matters easier for him. I haven't spoken to him in almost two years. The last time i saw him was when he came to visit me after i had my baby. I've now made a mental note to give him a ring today.
Reading your blog is making me see this from your own perspective. You write from the depths of your soul. It's so deep that it's impossible not to be touched. My immediate urge after reading this post was to give you a big hug. I hope you can find true friends to surround yourself with and i hope you can find peace within youself. In the meantime dude, just keep pouring out your heart here. You're anonymous, so you can feel safe. Trust me, it's easier to find genuine friends this way.
I wish you luck in all you do dude. Never mind about your annoying professor also. Before you know it, you'd have graduated. I'm off to finish reading the rest of your posts. And i've stopped crying now. *smile*
Stay cool.
Hugs
xxx
oh dear, no crying in my closet wally and certainly not while kids are around lol.
I remeber writing this post wishing my dad knew me inside and out and loved me anyway. It's tough growing up gay especially when no one wants to hear that "nonsense" from your mouth. So you bear this big secret knowing that someday, you will be forced into a corner and have to deal with facing them with the truth, your true self.
The funny thing is sexuality really should be a small part of who I am. I'm also many other wonderful things, things my father has grown to appreciate, even love me for. But this one part of me is the only way most people will chose to see me. It's like one day you're the great brother or friend or son or co worker and then you come out of the closet and you're not so great anymore. You're one of them, the queers. Everything about who you were yesterday is gone, forgotten.
I'm so glad you get it. I hope you call that friend up and show him that he has a friend in you. There is nothing I would give right now for someone who knew the secret life I lead. Thats one of the reasons I started this blog. I needed to release my thoughts, all of them. the silly ones about longing for sex or the down-right painful ones that have the power to trap me in depression.
Oh boy you just made a good day awesome. I'll take that hug and throw you a kiss. Now I really wish you still had your blog.
Just know, you may not feel my sexuality is natural, thats something everyone seems to have an opinion about. But natural or not, we all deserve happiness. If I could be straight, believe me I'd date every girl withing a 10 block radius, I'd be happy, I'd be free, no more secrets, no more lies, just free. But that can't happen. I can't be straight. I can only be who I am and try to be happy with it. Do I really need people to make a difficult situation worse?
Dude, trust me i feel ya big time. You don't even have to say all this cos i already understand you by reading your blog. Remember that i said i'm now questioning my former reasoning, as i can't know for sure since i haven't been there.
Despite me thinking that way anyway, i have never been judgemental and also have gay friends here in London. In fact, i find gays to be my most loyal pals.
Like i said on jaja's blog, it's one man's meat and i'm also aware that there are stuff i do like oral sex which others may also find unnatural- as some people believe that the mouth is only meant for eating et al. So each to his own.
Like you said, it doesn't take away the fact that you are a truly loving and intelligent person. I really do love and respect you and wish you the happiness you so deserve.
And as for my friend, i did try to contact him, but looks like he has changed his number. I'd have to get his new number off his folk in Nigeria.
Stay cool dude. Love ya loads.
xxx
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